HOW THE GRUNCH CRIBBED CHRISTMAS
El pOrtal Theatre
November 18-20
Lyrics
Holly Jolly (Non-Denominational) Holiday Time
THE SQUAD:
Well, it’s a holly jolly
Non-denominationally
Good golly holiday time
Well, it’s a holly jolly
Non-denominationally
Good golly holiday time
(Scene)
KEITH:
If we were a tree then Gwen would be—
GWEN:
The Star of David at the tippity top!
Scrags is a bundle of bags underneath said tree
SCRAGS:
“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?”
Esther is the tinsel and the ornaments and lights
ESTHER:
And eggnog spiked with psychedelic delights
SCRAGS/GWEN/ESTHER:
And Keith
KEITH:
“Wazzup!”
SCRAGS/GWEN/ESTHER:
Keith… is a wreath
KEITH:
“Nice. I love wreaths.”
THE SQUAD:
Well, it’s a holly jolly
Non-denominationally
Good golly holiday time
Well, it’s a holly jolly
Non-denominationally
Good golly holiday time
GWEN:
We wish you a nondenominational occasion
SCRAGS:
We wish you a generic seasonal celebration
ESTHER:
We wish you’d not impose your gauche religious persuasion
KEITH:
And just buy more stuff!
GWEN:
We got a non-denominational conifer
SCRAGS:
On a nondenominational holider
ESTHER:
So put on your non-denomenon Yarmulker
THE SQUAD:
And light your nondenominational monorrah! Wooo!
GWEN & ESTHER:
The 24th and 25th are a time to be
GWEN:
Over leveraged
SCRAGS:
Financially
KEITH:
Over beveraged
ESTHER:
Alcoholically
GWEN:
Over hill over dale
Over-served overall
SCRAGS:
Over overdraft fees
Over overcrowded malls
KEITH:
Overbooked
Overlooked
Overbaked
Undercooked
Halfbaked
ESTHER:
Or super duper baked
GWEN:
Overthought
Overwrought
SCRAGS:
Overweight
Overbought
KEITH:
Overserved
ESTHER:
Passed out
Underneath the tree
GWEN & KEITH:
When the overeating’s over
Overheating begins
Take your overcoat off
Spread your holiday wings
SCRAGS & ESTHER:
You can always give more
So fill up your carts
It ain’t ever over till the gender non-conforming person farts
SCRAGS:
So let’s take on debt
To let everyone know you love them!
GWEN:
Ok, the over-overture is finally over now!
ESTHER:
That was long overdue
SCRAGS:
Thank god.
KEITH:
Oh wow.
ESTHER:
Ya can’t say the G word
GWEN:
Right beCAUSE
THE SQUAD:
It’s a holly
Jolly
Poly potluck on Molly
It’s a
Non de-
Nomi-
Nation-
Ally
Good Golly Christmas
GWEN:
“Can’t say the C-word”
KEITH:
“Cunt?”
GWEN:
“No!”
SCRAGS:
“Christ!”
KEITH:
“Oh!”
THE SQUAD:
Holly Jolly Holiday Show!
ESTHER:
CUNT!
Please, Santi!
KEITH:
HoHoHo
“There’s only one spot left on the nice list this year,
And the competition is stiff, er, fierce!”
GWEN:
Dear Santi
I know you’ve only got one more place
On your list
And I’ve been such an awfully good girl,
Kiss Kiss
Oh Santi let me show you
Just how nice a girl I can be
KEITH:
“Jesus, ‘Kiss Kiss’? How old are you supposed to be?”
CHARITY:
Dear Santi, wait!
Is it too late for me to be a candidate?
I’m sweeter than a candy cane
And I think you’re great!
Oh, Santi lemme show ya
Just how nice a girl I can be
KEITH:
“Sorry gals, there’s only one spot left”
GWEN:
Please Santi
I was here first!
CHARITY:
Puhlease Santi
She smells like liverwurst
GWEN:
”How dare you!”
CHARITY:
Dear Santi if you want the real thing
GWEN:
Then ditch the bargain bitch
And make my Christmas Bell ring
KEITH:
“Shwing!”
Hey you two,
If only there were a way that I could
Please the both of you
Perhaps some other arrangement
We three could come to
GWEN & CHARITY:
“Ew”
CHARITY:
Santa
KEITH:
YEeeesSSS??
GWEN:
“Keith, your boners showing”
KEITH:
‘Good to know!”
(Scene)
CHARITY:
I don’t think that I wanna be on the nice list anymore
KEITH:
“Nice.”
GWEN:
Maybe we could be on the naughty list together
KEITH:
“Hell ya.”
CHARITY & GWEN:
Let’s not let the patriarchy pit against each other
KEITH:
“I hate the Patriots!”
CHARITY & GWEN:
See ya Santi.
It’s getting late.
We’re off to wander in a naughty winter wonderland!
KEITH:
"WAIT!”
GWEN & CHARITY:
Sorry Santi
We gotta go
KEITH:
“I’m comin!”
GWEN & CHARITY:
Naughty girls only.
Maybe next year tho!
KEITH:
“Oh!”
GWEN & CHARITY:
We’ve got this naughty license now
We might as well deploy it!
Why be on the naughty list
If you can’t enjoy it!
So See ya next year
We’ll try to be good
Or join us on the naughty list
KEITH:
“I totally fucking WILL”
GWEN:
“Keith.”
GWEN & CHARITY:
We’ll try our very hardest
But can’t make a guarantee
We’ll try and show ya Santi
Just how nice a girls we can be
KEITH:
Or I can be NAUGHTY!
GWEN & CHARITY:
“Maybe next year Santi”
Xmas is My Bizness
ESTHER:
Chocolate Babka
KIRK:
Stollen & Strudel
ESTHER:
Bath salts and vodka
KIRK:
A little noodle kugel
ESTHER:
A kiss of ayahuasca
KIRK:
Not time to be frugal
ESTHER:
Uppers & downers
BOTH
And Sideways we GO!
ESTHER:
I fuck with Christmas
Christmas is my business
If you wanna hit this (joint)
Pff, well you can try
I fuck with Christmas
To show you what bliss is
I kissed your missus
I guess I’m kinda high
Trim up the tree
Grow out your bush
Shit your butt
And blast your tush!
With a Hiney Hose Bidet
On Jebus’ B-day
Hanukkah and Christmas
Made a booty baby!
I fuck with Christmas
Christmas is my business
If you wanna hit this (joint)
Pff, well you can try
I fuck with Christmas
To show you what bliss is
I kissed your missus
I guess I’m kind of high
On the 12th day of Christmas my dealer did provide
12 hydrocodone
11 ladies dancing
10 mg gummies
9 or so naloxone
I ate all the acid
7 Bloody Mary’s
6 stems and caps and a couple 6 packs
5 grams of coke!
4 white claws
3 French men
2 partake in anal play
And a brand new shiny Hiney Hose bidet!
On Hashish
I’m dancin’
I’m prancin’
On acid
On cocaine
On uppers
On downers
I’m blitzed
But do you recall?
“I can’t recall…”
I fuck with Christmas
Christmas is my business
If you wanna hit this (joint)
Pff, well you can try
I fuck with Christmas
To show you what bliss is
I kissed your missus
I guess I’m kind of high
Role of a Lifetime
ORLANDO:
On a cold September night
Back in 1982
Mayberry Memorial Hospital
In the
ORLANDO & SCRAGS (BOTH):
N I C Uuuuuuu
ORLANDO:
A Scraggly baby cries
Before a novice obstetrician
The maw maw almost dies
And PawPaw,
Paw Paw
Was at an audition
BOTH:
He could have had the role, role role
Of a Lifetime
But he never played a role role role
In mine
Could’ve even been best supporting actor
But he never played a factor
A little voice work here
Or a local ad
But it never added up
To DADGUM bein’ a dad
SCRAGS:
He just rolled on down the road
Like a rolling stone
BOTH:
Well, a Paw Paw here
And a Paw Paw there
Paw Paw he was always everywhere
SCRAGS:
Except here
Or THERE
BOTH:
In the PawPaw Chair
It’s neither here, nor there
Just a PawPaw Chair
SCRAGS:
From the time that maw maw gave me the bottle
Never did I have me a male role model
No bass to my treble clef
Just the papas on
BOTH:
TGIF
Step by step this boy met the world
Never seemed like family mattered
No Carl Winslow or Danny Tanner
Or even a frickin Mr. Feeny
SCRAGS:
Didn’t have an auntie and Uncle in Bel Air
I’d have taken me a Philip Banks
Hell, I’d have settled for a Homer Simpson
Or Mufasa for goodness sakes
BOTH:
No Tim the toolman to take me fishin
And you can’t play catch with Peter Griffin
Alan Thicke couldn’t teach me stick
Let alone kiss a booboo
Roll on paw paw
Later alligator
I wanted Mrs. Doubtfire
Got Darth Vader
SCRAGS:
Well ya nailed that role
No rebuke
But the hole in my soul is
I guess I couldn’t be Luke
BOTH:
He could have had the role, role role
Of a Lifetime
But he never played a role role role
In mine
Could’ve even been best supporting actor
But he never played a factor
Just a bit part here
And a walk on there
Memorizing lines in the pawpaw chair
Some extra work
Some pyramid schemes
And the occasional industrial
SCRAGS:
He just rolled on down the road
Like a rolling stone
But it’s not too late
We can make things right
We can make up for lost time tonight
Right here
Namely there
In the pawpaw chair
It’ll be
BOTH:
Just like
Riding a bike
But like
If your dad never taught you how to ride a bike
Or
Getting back in the saddle
But you never rode a horse before
SCRAGS:
It’ll be
BOTH:
Just like
Christmas
An imaginary man that I used to believe in
And for some damn reason
I keep leavin him
Cookies and Cocoa and a letter
SCRAGS:
THERE
On the table by the pawpaw chair
The cookies went stale
The cocoa unsipped
The letters unread
And the script done flipped
You landed the role
But didn’t play the part
You missed curtain call
And you broke my heart
Here, and there
In the paw paw chair
BOTH:
Swing Low Lord
I want you to hear it
The father & the son
And the holiday spirit
I saved you a seat
But you couldn’t come near it
Could ya Paw Paw!
SCRAGS:
If I close my eyes
And count to two
Maybe when I open ‘em
I’ll see you
1, 2, nope
Goddammit
BOTH:
PAW PAW!
Greedy for the Needy
GWEN:
There comes a time
In everybody's life
When you need
A hero and a miracle
KEITH:
I know you’re scared
Baby, I’m scared too
SCRAGS:
It’s very scary
KEITH:
But we need to find toys–
ESTHER:
And bidets!
KEITH:
For all the kids
in Mayberry
SCRAGS/ESTHER:
When it’s boom or bust
In greed we trust
The money’s a must
Cause the needy need us!
SQUAD:
We’ll get the Grunch and
Win the fight
No matter how many people have to die tonight!
WHINY JIM:
Get greedy
For the needy
SQUAD:
“Whiny Jim!”
WHINY JIM:
And make it speedy
Oh yes indeedy
We’ll throw in a…
WHINY JIM/SQUAD:
DVD!
We can save the world this Christmas time by giving it all away
Even if it’s more than you can pay
It’s a tax write oooooff!
KEITH:
Is there a doctor in the house?
DOCTOR SACHS:
Why yes! Lemme fill out out a script
SQUAD:
Dr. Sachs!
DOCTOR SACHS:
From an offshore account that’s filled to the brim with pharmaceutical kickbacks!
SQUAD:
Hooray!
JUDGE:
It’s Judgment Day!
SQUAD:
Judge Dredd!
JUDGE:
And my decision is in
SQUAD:
He looks pissed!
JUDGE:
I’m ruling in favor of the Mayberry children!
SQUAD:
Yay!
SCRAGS:
Case dismissed!
RABBI:
Whether Jew
KEITH:
Father?
SCRAGS:
Papa?
PRIEST:
Or a Chris-ti-an
RABBI:
I will DO
PRIEST:
And give, All that I can!
RABBI:
I’m getting verklempt
PRIEST:
Brother that’ll do ya!
RABBI:
I’m tax exempt!
PRIEST:
Allelujah!
ESTHER:
I’m an aaaathiest!
KEITH:
As salaam alaikum!
SCRAGS:
Baruch atah adonai
EVERYONE:
Get greedy
For the needy
And make it speedy
Oh yes indeedy
We’ll throw in a DVD!
We can save the world this Christmas time by giving it all away
Even if it’s more than you can pay
It’s a tax write oooooff!
We’re teachers, and students
Bartenders, engineers, CHEERS
We’re cattlemen, and ranchers
And Jolly musketeers!
BRIAN:
(as Townspeople)
I run a webcam,
I’m out of work,
I do graphic design
I’m in IT
I’m a nurse practitionerI just hold a sign
EVERYONE:
That’s a mighty fine sign
BRIAN:
I designed that sign!
Would you mind signing my sign?
Sure!
EVERYONE:
It must be a sign!
KEITH:
A sign from god to the Solve It Squad
With greed you are—
EVERYONE:
Freeeeeeeeeeeed
Praises be
To the A-word
To the J-word
And the G-word
Together when we harness greed
We can save the C-Word
ESTHER:
Cunt?
SCRAGS:
No, “Children”
EVERYONE:
OH!
SANTA!
SANTA (BRIAN):
HEY! HO HO HO
EVERYONE:
Get greedy
For the needy
Make it speedy
Oh yes indeedy
We can save our Mayberry
We can solve this mystery
We can save the world yes
We can even save this
Holly
Jolly
Non denominationally
Needy, Needy
Greedy, Greedy
Make it super speedy
For the kids
For the town
For the bang for buck
For the good luck
Holiday show!
Pageant of the Grunch
GWEN/SCRAGS/ESTHER:
Holloo Jolloo
Non denomoo
La la loo loo
Poopy doo doo
Holloo Jolloo
Non denomoo
La la loo loo
Poopy doo doo
(Scene)
ESTHER:
You’re a bean pie Mr. Grunch
SCRAGS:
You’re a knock off greasy goose
ESTHER:
You’re a twinkie weiner sandwich
SCRAGS:
On an elephants caboose
BOTH:
Mr. Gru-unch
ESTHER:
If I had to some you up three ways
It would be as follows..
SCRAGS:
Greasy!
ESTHER:
Grimey!
ESTHER:
GROSS!
(Scene)
GWEN:
Where has magic gone?
Where is the season I love?
What has become of the town I once knew?
Yesteryear I heard children sing
And the holiday bells would ring
You could not want for
More than we had
The Grunch has taken all of our joys
And filled our ears with a farty noise
We cannot let him break our spirit
Come now Wunchton
Let. Him. Hear. It.
Come now Wunchton show me who you really are!
Come now Wunchton show me who I know you can be!
(Scene)
GWEN:
You are a fungus Mr. Gru-unch
KEITH:
You are a pussy, fussy, fink
GWEN:
You are litigious and licentious
KEITH:
With a filthy farty kink
BOTH:
Mr. Gru-unch!
GWEN:
I think it goes without saying that you are
KEITH:
A tall glass of pinky diddling stink!
(Scene)
EVERYONE:
The magic is back again
The holiday spirit is rushing in!
We killed the Grunch and burned his corpse
And paraded it through town!
Well done Wunchton this is who I knew we were!
Well done Wunchton showing the world all that we can be!
Holloo Jolloo
Non denomoo
La la loo loo
Poopy dooby doo
Holloo Jolloo
Non denomoo
La la lee loo
Pooooooop!
Holly Jolly (Non-Denominational) Reprise
EVERYONE:
It’s been a holly jolly
Non-denominationally
Good golly holiday time
Oh what a holly jolly
Non-denominationally
Good golly holiday time
GWEN:
It’s been a really really super silly pleasure y’all
SCRAGS:
A wild yuletide ride
ESTHER:
A sexy secular ball
KEITH:
Whatever you wanna call it, it’s over now!
KEITH/GWEN/SCRAGS/CHARITY:
So have a
Holly
Jolly
Ride aboard the holiday trolley
ESTHER/ORLANDO/RUDY:
(overlapping)
Holloo Jolloo
Non denomination-A-LOO
La La Loo Lay Holla Doo Day
EVERYONE:
For the kids for the town for the love of the C-Word
Have a happy holiday time!